SIEWKIANG
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Posted Sunday, 18 December 2011 @ 03:44
Sometimes I feel severely inadequate in every way. Most of the time I surpress that feeling.

I have to admit I'm good at surpressing feelings. And lying. Not very proud of those two. Necessary skills in life though. I wish I wasn't an introvert. Then maybe I'd be able to make people happy. I won't be so damn reluctant to go for family gatherings/weddings/visits/whatever that requires me to talk to strangers without the presence of numerous people I'm comfortable with.

Sometimes I am able to socialise effortlessly. This is when I feel comfortable with my surroundings or I feel the need to be the one who has to stand up and take the lead. Most of the time I'd rather be in my room reading, with some snacks. I've not done that in a long time. I think I'm just trying to escape.

It takes such immense effort to talk to people. I'd rather keep quiet and retreat into my own mind. Or sleep. Sleep is such a scarcity nowadays. I haven't had 8 hours of undisturbed sleep in a while. Then again, I find myself blabbering on and on and on to someone. I am damn weird. :(

So much easier to talk through text!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate talking when I am upset. Clamming up is easier. So much easier than forcing myself to talk.

I really rather talk to animals then make conversation with humans........

Anyway, I digress.

Today I feel like I've not been a good daughter, I'm not a good sibling, I'm not the best student there is, I'm not the best worker, I'm dead broke, I'm not a good girlfriend, I'm not a good friend, I'm not anything and I'm don't even try sometimes because what's the point?

The one that bothers me constantly is being dead broke because I'm a materialistic and hungry bitch who wants good food and shopping and getaways but can't get any. 

The one that bothers me the most is not being a good daughter/girlfriend. 

Isn't it wonderful to hurt people, to let the person you hold dearest to down, to upset them frequently?

Then the feeling passes. However the guilt, the shame, the feelings, they stay. They torture. They hurt. I guess I deserve to feel that, because I'm inadequate, I'm not good enough. But that's okay. Because I'm trying. Most of the time I get lazy. Still, trying is better than giving up completely. I'm perfectly contented and that's all that matters.

For now.

My family is leaving for Genting on Monday, following which I'll kidnap Jia and make her stay in my house until they return. It's a busy week and the next week is no better. I miss having a proper holiday in December. It's the holiday season but it's no holiday for poly students.

I can't help but miss the times I spent in Wuhan. I cannot spend 42 days in another country and after adapting to it happily, come back to Singapore and just leave everything behind. I guess I grew attached to Wuhan. It was carefree times with damn cheap and good food, good and cheap shopping, loads and LOOOOOOOADS of freedom, barely any adult supervision and very light workload. None of these can be found in Singapore. None of these can be relived, even if we were to go back. All these exist only in memory and photos and videos and I'm clinging on to them as tightly as possible because it's the only way. I don't ever want to forget those 42 days in Wuhan.

Goodnight.